One of the most bewildering parts of the "Epic Winning" tournament in Niagara Falls was the mystery of the upper decker left in the room of all-star forwards Jay Stevens and Steve 'No-Longer-Rookie-For-Life' Myska. Investigative journalists at thewoundedmoose.com have reconstructed the events according to eye witness accounts. Here is an account of their findings:
The evening began at a group trip to The 9th Floor Keg in some beautiful hotel I can't remember. The team gathered to celebrate the 60th birthday of tournament captain Jim Younker, Internet legend and wine connoisseur. We had a great meal, just a great fucking meal. This is where the trouble began.
Post-meal, the team posed for an uncomfortable photo in front of some trees blocking the actual Niagara Falls. After some hugs and high-fives, most of the group decided to donate a few hundred dollars to the wonderful people at Fallsview Casino. A few decided to return to the hotel for early bedtime in order to be fresh for the big finals Sunday morning. These people are obviously not responsible for anything else that might have occurred and have been omitted from the rest of this investigation.
Investigators secured this document from a trashbin at the crime scene. Obviously the criminal was not only brilliant and cunning, but chauvinistic and brash enough to leave a document promoting the crime. Amazing.
Then investigators moved on to the evidence at hand. It was surprisingly slim and runny, much like that of a small child. This led investigators to the break they'd needed all along, and after conclusive DNA testing, the poopetrator has been identified.
Steve 'Criminal-Mastermind' Myska sabotaged his own toilet in order to frustrate his roomate Jay, therefor throwing him off his game and stealing all his ice time. He used the baby poop from his new child, samples he collected while missing game 1 of the Chesswood Championship. This can be verified by our top scientist, Jason Cohn PHD. We consider this matter now closed, no revenge will be necessary.
I strongly concur.
ReplyDeleteWait, does this mean Turbo is Rookie for Life for tthe violent act of Upper Deckering a Wounded Moose?
Shammeful. What has happened in our society where a man can provide an endless stream of shit for his fellow teammate (used loosely) and go unpunished?
This nonsensical post is flawed to the extreme, bitch. It's like, there are all of these alibi problems and stuff, Scro. Man, you shoulda seen it, it was like, all up in there - and then it came down. The guy in the parking lot had a conflicting tale. I can't reveal my sources, but it's reliable shit. Revenge is on; we know what you did last weekend.
ReplyDeletehuh.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that someone is concurring who pulled the shoot for the tourney? I also find it interesting that a player with twins younger than his, a player with a 6 week old, and a player with a bun in the oven all seemed to make it but yet 25 couldn't man up and make the journey?
A vote was taken by the Moose Upper Management in Niagara Falls and it was determined that 25 is the new rookie for life simply for wussing out on Niagara.
As far as the Upper Decker in the can.....these findings are all false. I happen to know, for a fact, that I was not the perpetrator in this fiasco. I have personally spoken to one person in the guilty party and have all the names of those involved.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
If this is true, shame on you Turbo.
ReplyDelete